you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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