roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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