In the future we'll all be gay
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize