**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
