well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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