I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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