I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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