thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
