Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My first STD was from a foam party
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
