We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
