just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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