So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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