Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
