Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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