11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
