So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
