I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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