Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
