I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
