i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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