you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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