I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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