Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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