i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
