you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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