My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize