please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
