She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
