I seem to have left my pride at pride
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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