he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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