I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
