i think my tv is drunk
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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