I accidentally had phone sex last night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
