my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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