i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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