the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
