my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize