I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
