I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
