drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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