went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
