please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
