got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Your cock deserves a montage
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
