i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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