Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize