Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
