your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
