Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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