my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
