I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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