Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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