my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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