the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
