1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
