Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
