Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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