you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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