Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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